Ah! The nerves!

Ugh…today was the first day where my nerves have been horrible…and it’s only been 2 days since I got my BFP.

The second I picked up my phone to call Dr. Dick’s office today to tell them I got my BFP and needed betas and my progesterone checked, I got this horrible nervous feeling in my stomach.  It’s like that phone call made it more real and it hit me.  I guess I have been looking at this whole thing from an outsider’s perspective.  All the congrats I’ve received from all the wonderful TTCAL and PgAL (and even some on the September 2011 Mamas board) were so nice and made me smile, but it was like they were not for me.  So I felt horrible all day with this sick nervous feeling in my stomach and then on the drive home, I started thinking about how much I want and need this baby, that I cried the whole way home (45 minute commute) begging God to let this be our healthy, beautiful, take home baby.  And I’m crying again.  I’m so scared I’m going to lose this baby and that I will never be mother  😦

So I left work early to go get my betas and progesterone checked.  Nurse Toni said they will only be doing 2 draws–today and Wednesday, and that they will only be checking my progesterone today.  I have decided that if the P4 comes back much lower than 34, than I will ask/beg to get it checked again on Wednesday.  It was 34 at 5dpo and it peaks at 7dpo, so I’m sure it was higher than that at some point, so if it’s less than 30, then that means it has dropped a good amount, and I want them checked again.  If they drop more at the 2nd draw, I will demand Prometrium or something.  I know, I’m getting a little ahead of myself, but I’m just nervous and I need a plan.  I know that when Nurse Toni calls me to give me the results that I will forget to ask or say something if I don’t have a plan.  So that’s my plan.  I am off Wednesday, so I am going back around 4:15 since that’s the time I got them today–I want it as close to 48 hours as possible.  So I should know by Thursday how everything is.

I have still been POAS everyday (FRERs)–the line yesterday (11dpo) got much darker than the day before.  There was no denying there was a line.  Today the line got a little darker, but not much.  I hope there is a big difference with tomorrow’s.  They are still not darker than the control line.  I stopped temping this morning.  My temps have gone down for the last 2 days–still above the coverline, but I don’t like seeing that temp go down.  That’s part of the reason why I am so nervous about my P4.  So I will still be POAS until I have my betas all done, but no more temping.

I’m trying to enjoy this pg for every second that I can.  I’ve made some tickers, and a PgAL badge, and I even told pretty much all of our close family and friends.  John hasn’t told his side yet–he said he will after our beta results are back when he talks to his parents on Sunday.  After our loss, he said he didn’t want to tell anyone until the 2nd Tri…I told him he didn’t have to, but I was gong to.  If God forbid, I have to go through another loss, I want all those people to be there for us if we need them to be.


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