I just know

that I’m not pregnant.

Is that bad?

That I am so negative?

Ugh…where did my positivity go? I am still hopeful, but I just know AF will be here. I’m just having a hard day….my EDD is so close, and all I want is to be pregnant with my baby still. I don’t want to be trying anymore. I don’t want to pee on a fucking stick 90% of my days anymore. I am tired of waiting to ovulate, and then waiting until I can look at a stupid stark white HPT, and then waiting for my temp to drop, and then waiting for the blood to show. I am so tired.

I am nervous about next cycle. I don’t want a new cycle so much that it scares me how upset I will be when my temp drops and AF arrives. I’m afraid I’ll want to give up. I know a year isn’t that long to try. I know it could be so much worse, but I don’t care. I drive to work everyday and see the hospital up on the hill where I should be having my baby in a couple weeks. It just stabs me in the heart every time.

I don’t know what to do for my birthday weekend with the EDD falling on the Sunday. I don’t want to celebrate. But I don’t want to lay around and cry, but then again, part of me does. I think I just want to hibernate.

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