OCD

I seriously never thought I would be as obsessed with anything as I am with TTC and having a baby. The only thing comparable is that I have been obsessed about me weight issues for a looong time. I’m thinking I first started when I was about 10 when I noticed that I was a little chunkier than the other girls. And it’s been that way ever since…I have never been happy with my body since that point. Everytime I go somewhere, I am constantly looking at other girls/women, and thinking to myself how skinny they are or wondering if I look as big as some of them do. You know how you usually think you look worse than other people do? Well, I wonder if I am really as big as I think I am. Sometimes I even ask John if I am similar/smaller/bigger than a girl we see when we are out in public. I hate it. I wish I could just be happy with how I look, but I CAN’T.STOP.OBSESSING.

I’ve been somewhat thin at times since that dreaded age of awareness.  But it is was only when I was on the swim team in high school (I swam an hour and exercised for an hour, everyday) and then at times where I get on the diet bandwagon.  When I am not dieting, I really don’t eat that bad.  I don’t like fast food, I don’t really like too many greasy things, I don’t eat much red meat, and I llloooovvvveee salad and green veggies.  I don’t really like to work out at the gym, but I have done a pretty good job with it up until we first began TTC.  Pretty much, for me to lose weight, I have to starve myself and workout like an effing mad woman.  I wish I could just eat healthier and not be hungry all the time and lose weight.  And I wish I could just get on my elliptical 3-4 times per week and stay fit.  Boo for my sucky metabolism and body type and my poor motivation!  I have been horrible about dieting and exercising since January.  I was doing a very strenuous bootcamp class with a personal trainer I know, but I felt it would be too hard on a pregnant body, so I quit when we began trying at the end of January.  And now I don’t feel like I should diet because I know it wouldn’t be good for a baby if I was starving all the time.  I just want to get pregnant, stay pregnant, have my healthy baby, and then get back on the skinny (or trying to be skinny) bandwagon.

And that leads me to my new obsession:  TTC, pregnancy, and babies.  Pretty much all of my dreams are about these things, pretty much all I think about all day are these things.  I really try to enjoy our sex life, but I can’t help but think about TTC related things even during our sexy time that is no where near ovulation! I spend sooo much time on the Bump, my TTCAL FB page, here on my blog writing about TTC, and effing looking at pregnancy/baby stuff!  Whether it’s lurking on the 1st Tri or Pgal boards on the Bump, or researching future registry items, or looking at maternity clothes.

I’m a sick individual.

I have problems.

God, help me.

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